I believe we have a purpose. That purpose is to be aware, to develop a relationship with a higher power, and...that, through that relationship, we find the strength to be the best people we can become...to understand...to love...to find balance, and peace in life. A spiritual center is where my strength comes from, T. Not religious...I don't do religion. My spiritual grounding comes from outdoors...from you...Sunshine...Mark...the GrandBabies...life. It doesn't come from a dogma that says I have to believe 'this', or 'that', but from a peacefulness found in a walk in the woods...touching the leaves, and trees, smelling pines, and maples...digging in the soil, arms buried elbow deep, and the joy of smelling rich soil that will let me grow things...your eyes...Sunshine's rich laughter...Mark's soft rumble...the joy of the Grands as extensions of love...life. And music...the joy I find in listening to music...well crafted lyrics (or poems)...dancing is an expression of that joy, as well as a more basic sensual pursuit. And more...so much more. There are no limitations to my spiritual self. No limits of gender, differences, beliefs, or values. It's simply the peace I find within that sustains my life in such a way that I can live, and not merely survive a day.
I don't have very traditional beliefs about too many things...as you well know. So, I even work my program a bit differently than most. I've created a life for myself that allows me to live...rather than simply survive any given day. Some of that ties into the traumas I've experienced, and finding ways to live with them. They never go away...the ones I've experienced aren't blocked from my memory as a means of protection...so learning to live with them so I don't drown in them has become an important part of my life. I started that process in 'working' the 12 Steps. Acknowledging, being aware of my own behaviors...where they come from...who they affect...and changing where I can.
Nanette was a huge help in that for me...the therapist I saw in Sedona. She specialized in working with people who have PTSD. I have...severe-complex PTSD because of the number of traumas experienced, the severity of them, and the fact that some have been lifelong...will continue to be lifelong.
There are two traumas in my life that will never 'heal'...how can they? One involves Mark, and the other...my brother Tommy. Yet, they have had a profound affect in my life...in your life...in Sunshine's life...your Dad's...and others I've been involved with over the years. All I can do with that understanding now is to stay aware of my own dynamics, and work with the behaviors that have become so much a part of who I am. The people in my life have to be open to that process with me...to understanding...and forgiveness. Temper them...soften them. Ultimately? I am perfect in my imperfections...and there are many (imperfections), but there are also many, many more 'perfections' within that feed good stuff, as opposed to the bad stuff.
I don't believe we can change all 'negative' behaviors. Some, we can only temper...soften the edges...as they're too ingrained...too much a part of our personalities...the 'us' that makes us 'us'. However, being aware of what they are, how they manifest in life...makes them a tad more manageable. I don't justify bad behavior by any of this...ever. That's not what I mean by any of that.
This is the kind of thing that began for me in 12 Step programs, T. However, I needed more to go deeper than that...and needed help to go there. Nanette. You know...she saved my life. I believe that...know that. There were a lot of things that happened in our lives all at once...yes, in your life, too. That time period was a huge turning point for me...very significant. There have been a couple such times in my life...finding Mark was one of those. Profound. Significant. Life-altering. Gut level. Core things that define.
So...to know that you're exploring internal reflections? Particularly now...given where you are, and some of what you may be seeing...doing? I know how 'trauma' has affected me...my life...the lives of those I love. I despair that you will walk away from 'this' experience so affected...because I know what it has done in 'my' life. But...that you are choosing to reflect...to see things differently? I find some hope that you will find better balance as a result.
What's the biggest issue I deal with in this regard? Walls. Letting people through...over...around those walls. It all comes back to fear. Stepping through those fears...and there are many. Fear of loss...that's a particularly big one, T. One that can paralyze me. And I don't want anyone to walk on eggshells, either. I'm not going to implode...or...whatever. I'm not going to break as a result of living life. I also won't hide who I am any longer, nor will I deny the existance of difficulties I experience, and why. Hiding behind those facades I created to protect myself was one way I kept distant from those I love. I'm not willing to do that any longer.
Anyway...so much for that this morning. It's Thanksgiving, and I have some stuff to make to take to GrandMa's today. I'm thinking about you...loving you...and the opportunity you gifted me in this sharing with you. I will carry you in my heart...always.
Yer Motha...
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2 comments:
It amazes me how alike we are in so many aspects, yet so different in so many aspects as well. I hold the same problems with letting people in through my walls, I believe I have shared that writing with you already, possibly I will post it in the future and add to it. In all honesty, I haven't felt this good about myself and my well being in a long time, possibly ever! I still struggle with self-image issues, doubt I will ever get rid of those, lol. However, as far as my "spiritual" well being, I feel as if I have never been at this level before. I meditate daily, many types of meditation really. I read about meditation, and buddhism regularly, many of the beliefs surrounding buddhism are very closely in line with my own. Although, as you stated, I hate to fit a mold, so you know I incorporate my own beliefs, and don't necesarrily believe in a higher power. I don't know that I believe we are here for a reason, that we all have a purpose. I guess that would have to delve into my idealistic beliefs, there is nothing verifiable in this world beyond MY MIND. I won't be able to fully express this here, I should blog about it myself, so keep a look out. Anyway, I love you and am enjoying, beyond my wildest dreams, sharing our writings with each other. Especially as our circle of writers begins to grow! Prepare to be amazed by the Tamponeer!
i find it interesting that this one sees similarities in both of you, cut from the same cloth. Your writings, the love of music, and thoughts close, to the heart, yet with a meandering distance, that you are both working towards closing. Fear however, with walls that are still rigid, at times uncompromising, and still in place, and yet others that are crumbling, slowly. Wonders which is more frightening, the ones that are still in place? or the ones that are falling? We sometimes don't get to choose which ones fall. :)
Though this one isn't an outsider, not where your mom is concerned i still have the luxury to view things from an outsider approach, aloof :).
i would try and speak and approach everything said or brought up by your mom here, but i'm old and don't think i would live long enough to answer them all :)
This will be an interesting journey.
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