I've been thinking a lot about this...hmm...exchange we've been having...yet not having. I knew something that was going to hurt you. I didn't see it as detrimental in any other way except that it would hurt you. Why would I inflict such pain upon a loved one in the telling...particularly when you're so far away, and in the place in which you live right now? Parents protect their children...right or wrong in the child's eyes...parents protect their children in the best way they can...in whatever situation presents. I made the best decision as your mother at that time.
I knew your marriage was over. Yes, I asked Simone if she was involved with the man she spent a great deal of time chatting to on her computer...with his cam on her computer screen...her cam on, as well...chatting...interacting...all while I was there...visiting. Why else would I have any reason in the world to ask such a question? She's part of my life, too. You invited her into my life, T. That doesn't just end because you're divorced from her.
I also didn't think about how it would feel to know the answer, and feel as if I couldn't tell you. By the time I processed all of that, and decided I would tell you...that "I" would tell you before someone else did...a couple of months had passed...lots of reasons for that time lapse...not important now. Regardless, I knew that "I" would be the one to do that...not to have someone else say, "Well...your mom knew."
Then, you began to open up with me on a more emotional, open, honest level. I knew that I would have to reveal this even sooner because it felt too dishonest not to, particularly given this recent change in our relationship. It was a wall, and one I wouldn't have present...given all of this. I was elated that we were sharing in the way that we were. And I knew I would lose it when I told you, but I knew I had to reveal what I knew. Lose - lose. Once again.
I'm going on hiatus from this blog, T. I'll miss the interaction we were developing, but want you to feel free to do what you're doing here with others without feeling mistrustful of me, and my presence. I'll leave this up for a few days, but then I'm deleting my blog.
Enjoy the process, T...grow...find your strengths...learn to love without the angst...find your joy...live your life without allowing fear to guide your footsteps. Give a call when you have some free time, and do let me know as you receive your Xmas packages, please.
Love, Mom
3 comments:
Well, to be honest you are not going to like me one bit after this response, I can tell you that now. When I look at this situation and how you are responding, by deleting your blog, I see it as you running away from a problem we are having! I cannot say that is going to help the situation! I have not stopped sharing on this blog, nor have I stopped the way that I write on here. Yes, it is true; I have not directly spoken to you about the situation, only in messages here and there. However, I explained that to you and why I was giving this some time. If you choose to delete your blog, it is going to hinder the way that we are learning each other now, and the way you are meeting Feddia, and I am not thrilled about the prospect of any of that! Still it is your choice to do as you wish. In regards to the Simone situation, the information itself was not hurtful to me in regards to Simone’s relationship and mine; it was more detrimental to the way I perceived the divorce proceedings than anything else. I would have made some very different decisions in the divorce; I felt as if it were my “fault” because I wanted the divorce. As such, I was extremely lenient, and allowed little things to slip in the divorce that I would not allowed had I known this piece of information. I do not blame you for that mother; I am an adult and take responsibility for the actions I made in the divorce. What hurt about this situation is two things for me; one of them is the fact that you withheld information from me, and the other is the fact that you involved yourself in our relationship in the first place. Regardless of the nature of the information you withheld, you knew something that you thought I should know and withheld it from me. Although I realize it was a touchy “lose-lose” situation, I see it as a situation that you should not have been involved in. I know that you and Simone were close before this happened, I knew you two were going to stay close after the divorce (until this happened), that was something I was preparing for, and something I was not going to hinder in any shape. However, I do see there needing to be a line that should not have been crossed. The only way I can possibly make you empathize with me is if you think of your divorce; now switch our roles around right now. How would you feel knowing I put myself in the situation to know things of that nature? Mother, I still share, I still open my emotions on the page, it is in my nature. By saying I was changing my focus lately, I think you misunderstood what I was saying, I meant that I write about what is on my mind, what is tearing at my soul, what I feel! Right now, since this has happened, a lot of what I have been feeling is about mistrust, betrayal, and this situation. That is how the focus of my blog has changed lately. In no way did I mean that I was afraid to share on the blog because I know that you are reading it. Honestly, I see you deleting your blog as running from this problem, not willing to put forth the energy to work on this. If that is what you choose to do mother than I can only tell you this will get worse, before it gets better; and take much longer in the process. I love you, always have, and always will. However, as we both said, I am hurting right now.
Got nothin' to do with liking you, Bubs. I can not like what you have to say, and still 'hear' it. Can you afford the same to me?
I'll hold off on deleting this, and consider what you've said.
I will say that we will simply have to agree to disagree on one point, and that's where I disagree about your concept of 'interference', as it wasn't interference at all. Though...I know you see it that way. I won't engage in a discussion that centers around justifications for this or that, as those become circular in nature, and resolve nothing. You feel as you do, and I can't change that. I see it as I do, and you can't change that.
One thing that is extremely hurtful to me is coming here, reading your blogs/poetry about trust/mistrust, and knowing you include me in that. Shrugs...so deal with it...right? Well, yes, but it would be easier for me to deal with in a manner that involves you and I, and not the world at large. In part. It would be easier for me to deal with if you and I were actually talking about this, and how it relates to us. Instead, I get what feels like sideways swipes when I come here.
I'm trying to respect your need to keep this close for now, but the truth of the matter is that I think of little else throughout my days, Tommy. You're not the only one hurting here, and some of what you're saying in these blogs is creating further damage to what might have occurred between us.
I don't want you to censor your thoughts, feelings, etc, but I also don't have to subject myself to continuous hurt. That's where I'm at right now.
Again, I'll reconsider based on what you've said, but in truth can't see that I'll change my decision.
Running? No. Simple self-protection. Guarding myself from hurtful words that make walls go up that I would prefer not have between us. I don't want to participate in your process of this. I'll be happy to discuss it with you when you feel ready to do so, but don't think I can deal with it done in this manner.
I mean...think about this. Do you want to know how I can't sleep at night because of this? Do you want to know how this is affecting my health right now because I'm so stressed about it? Do you want to know how deeply saddened I am that, just when we were opening to one another at this level, there's a wall here now of mistrust that has never been there with you and I, and that I'm becoming very depressed as a result of all of this? Do you want to know that I cry every day because of this? And so much more. Do you really want to be a part of this process, Tommy? Because...really? I won't tell you all of this, and more...because I feel a need not to add stress to YOUR life right now. Parents do shit like that...for lots of reasons. Given where you are right now? I don't walk on eggshells, but there are choices I make as to what to share so as not to distract you from what you're doing. Staying alive. That's my fucking goal for you...not to add anything to your life that will jeopardize that possibility by distracting your focus.
Stupid me for thinking like that. Eh...a mom's prerogative I suppose. Think of Ro, Tommy. If she were where you are right now, and you lived with a fear of potential harm coming to her due to distractions, would you tell her something that would seem to have no bearing? Something you were concerned would distract her from guarding herself in potentially dangerous situations? See...I think about that shit...all the time.
Shrugs...can't change any of this...I'm not sure what can be done by reading, and participating in any of this either...what it can accomplish. Except to hurt me more. Why would you want me exposed to the process whereby you hammer at me via blogs...with trust...mistrust...betrayal...etc? I know you feel that way. I don't need my nose rubbed in it on a daily basis.
This is extremely difficult for me. Trust. Yeah...I have issues with that, too, Tommy. I was approaching all of this with caution to begin with, even though I was filled with such joy. I made a choice to walk through that anyway, and simply trust that everything would be alright. Thing is...have you thought of this at all? I'm not sure I'll trust you again, Tommy. You've walked away, and are refusing to hear 'me', as I'm hearing 'you'. At least, that's how it feels to me. Yeah...you're writing in this blog, but that's not talking to me, Tommy. Or, at least, that's how I see it.
Lots of things tied up in this for both of us. Bottom line for me is that I'm getting really sick with a flare because of all of this. I have to take care of myself, and my needs...emotional, mental, as well as physical. They're all intertwined.
See...laughin' now...I've been really sick...at the emergency room three times since the very end of October. Finally have a regular doctor who will see me next week. See...they don't want to see patients with Medicare these days because of issues related to government's economic crisis, and payment. I don't tell you this shit, nor have I said what the issue is. Why? Why add worry, and concern to your life, and will you now say that I'm keeping things from you along these lines, as well? That I'm not being truthful, and honest? You know I have serious health issues...probably better than anyone as you watched me deteriorate so rapidly when we were all still living in the house on Cherry Hills.
I don't know Tommy. I don't have all the answers. I'm tired, and I don't feel well, and this is making all that worse. So...what would you do given all that?
I am about to post my response to this on my blog since our reponses have basically become blogs themselves. I would have called you, was trying to, before I got on here, but my mic is messed up. I will try again tomorrow. I love you.
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