Openness about Mark? I told you and Sunshine about him because I never wanted him to be a secret within our family. I had read stories about reunions taking place where siblings, spouses, etc...never knew about the existance of the child. I didn't want you kids 'surprised' by that (a reunion) should it ever happen. I didn't want you, or Sunshine to feel that I'd lied to you about something so important in my life.
When I was young, I never thought I would look for him...didn't feel I had the right to do that. After all, I'd given those rights away. About a year, year and a half before I actually found him...just before his 21st BirthDay...something about that changed for me. I'm uncertain why...what that was, but I thought "fuck it"...he's my son...I want to know him if he's open to that possibility. Right or wrong...I wanted to find him.
I looked for a year+ on my own, but could never find him. I kept coming up against that "closed adoption" heading, and it wasn't gonna be broken by me. So, I hired a man...John Apel. I think that's how it was spelled. Fella from Chicago...retired cop...adoptee himself who had searched for, and found his birth family. Of all places...I found his name, and contact information in the back of a book about searching for adoptees/birth families. He had the resources at his disposal to find Mark.
I don't know if I ever told you this or not, but John found two boys with the same BirthDay, born at the same hospital, and with amended Birth Certificates...apparently that last is a 'clue' to adoption processes...name changes. I wrote letters to them both, and talked with the other boy after I'd already talked with Mark...after I already knew Mark was my son. That was an interesting phone conversation that I'll have to tell you about sometime.
I'd not told my family I was looking for him...just you, Suni, and your dad. I didn't tell Grandma, Grandpa John, or the sibs until after I'd found him, talked to him, and he wanted to meet everyone. I didn't feel a need for secrecy in what I was doing...the search...I simply didn't want to hear their condemnation for doing so. They would have discouraged me, and I didn't want to deal with that.
It's funny...that veil of secrecy I carried for so long was gone. Just gone. I could openly talk about my other son, acknowledge him, our experience, talk about our family integration, and the impact on us all. I can't tell you how freeing that was...the relief...how very much changed for me then...my entire internal emotional landscape did a 180. And...seeing him for the first time...the joy...the heartache...the overwhelming desire to enfold him in my heart, and life, and never let him go. I couldn't look at him enough...I was hungry...emotionally...to know everything about him...just to look at him.
See...that doesn't lessen what I feel for you, and Sunshine, T. I have experienced the immense joy of holding you in my arms, rocking you to sleep, of loving you, and watching you grow into a man. I had a lifetime to know about Mark. Pieces of memories I have of you, and Sunshine...cherished moments. I can never have those of Mark. I don't want to diminish in any way what he and I have now...it's good...it's solid...but it's very different than what I have with you and your sister. You're all mine, but he'll never be 'mine' like you and Suni. There will always be a wall between us.
How does a child...grown to a man...even knowing, intellectually, the story of his birth/relinquishment...his abandonment by his mother...how does he justify that in his emotional self? I believe...know...there is a core self that defines us as emotional beings...that defines our character...guides our actions...reactions...that all of who we are stems from that core self. When there is a sense of abandonment, or some type of emotional trauma, how is that rectified? How is it healed when there is such a raw wound?
Undoubtedly...there is a connection between a mother and child that is developed as we...women...carry our babies within our own selves...our bodies nurturing them to life. You each lay next to my heart for 9 months of your lives...our hearts beating together...our blood co-mingling...my breaths sustaining your life...my life...yours. Two beings in one body, T. Never are two people that close in life as a mother carrying a child. To grow up knowing...as Mark did...that his mother gave him to someone else? Those scars will always be between us. That's just reality...not 'oh woe is me' crap. I've studied the psychological perspectives dealing with adoption, and all involved in that process. It fucks people up...big time...in lots of ways...unimaginable ways. So, there are parts of Mark I'll never access. Not like I can with you. Those walls we develop. He and I will always have a big one that won't be assailable.
I'm happy with him in my life. Content? I accept that it is what it is. The past can't be changed. There is a little bit of light in that dark void that was created from his loss, but my life was irrevocably changed...as was his...as was yours and Sunshine's...the day he was born...the day I signed the adoption papers.
I've never told you about that experience. I sat across the desk from the social worker at Catholic Social Services...remember her telling me I was doing the best thing for my son...that his new family would love him...give him all the things I never could. I stood in the corner, and watched myself sign those papers.
Many years ago, I believed that dissociative experience to be an 'out of body' experience. I know it for what it is now...an emotional trauma so severe that my emotional self literally separated...dissociated from the experience so as not to further damage myself. Am I dissociative now? No. It was situational...a means of self protecting self from the severity of the trauma. Through the work I've done with Nanette, I have a better understanding of that from a psychological perspective now. I also understand that the damage from that can't be fixed...changed. I know that the grief involved in his loss will always be part of who I am...that I'll only just touch that...never embrace it for resolution...it can't be resolved.
I am, at the heart of my life, and inner 'me'...a mother. Your mother...Suni's...and Mark's. What that means to each of you is different. What it means to me about each of you...is the same, yet has elements of otherness that changes the dynamic of individual relationships with each of you. And that...is the only way I know to explain it to you.
This time of year approaches Mark's BirthDay. There used to be great sadness, and pain for me around this time of year. Now? There's a bittersweetness to it.
Odd...this feels like a risk to me...posting this to you. I'll do it...chuckles...I suppose I'm letting some walls down. I feel exposed in some ways, and wonder...how much is too much for you to know about me, T? Will you tell me...if it is? Some fear involved in this...yes.
Sleep sweet, love...yer Motha
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2 comments:
Mom, I remember all of what you wrote about in regards to speaking to two men who could have been Mark, as well as the man who found them. It is weird the details I remember and the details I forgot. Strange how memory works, or in this case, fails to work, lol. I am sure you know what I mean! I understand what you mean about the gap, and the hole that will never be filled. I have some of those problems with all the time I spend away from Ro! I will never get that back, and I know it kills her as much as it kills me. Mom, you could never go to far with what you share. Don't be afraid to show me too much, I am not the least bit afraid to share anything with you! I love you and miss you!
I forgot, I am glad to see you possibly getting some of your friends involved in this adventure as well. I have yet to hear from Suni at all, let alone about this. I talked to Feddia and she is excited, but nervous, about you following her blog. She would like to follow yours as well. I can't wait for you two to begin learning more about each other, you will amaze each other I am sure! I love you mom, take care!
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